Part 22: Fully Automated Space Luxury Gunnunism

Update 022: Fully Automated Space Luxury Gunnunism





I still think we should just start blastin'
Yeah, you think that because you're a dumbass.
Deadeye isn't stupid, he's just very enthusiastic about justice!
Way to impugn my unimpeachable character, Agnes.




Now, now, the Oracle might have been wrong about the Kreegan reactor, and I quote, "destroying the planet," if we destroy it the wrong way. But do we really want to take that chance?
No, Deadeye, we don't, so we're going to see if Nicolai can help us.




...wait a moment, this seems familiar.



Somehow my damn reputation keeps plummeting even when I'm not doing anything villainous! I even keep donating to the temples to get into the positives, and then it drops again! I'm 99% sure this is a bug.

Deadeye, I'm volunteering you for this because I know it burns you. Nip over to the temple and giving them a bunch of gold for charitable purposes before we go see Nicolai.
The only reason I'm doing this is because Humphrey seems like the sort of hard-ass who'd have us hung rather than locked up.



I get it up to a nice and presentable +200 but somehow it's dropped to almost -1000 before I finish the game.



Wait, we want to free Archibald? I thought maybe they just had some of his books lying around or something and Richmond could read them and tell us the solution.
Hmmm... yes, I'm not sure how good an idea it is to release an evil sorcerer that tried to conquer the kingdom once before.



An evil sorcerer that'll owe us one.
Yes, evil tyrannical wizards, known for honouring their bargains and paying their debts. But, I don't see any other way out of this one, so let's get searching.



The closest thing that MM6 has to copy protection is that the answer to the location of the Third Eye is literally listed in the manual, and otherwise isn't clearly indicated anywhere else. But, at the same time, Nicolai tells us its near the castle, and MM6 doesn't generally trade in interactable objects not being labelled when moused-over. So think, have I ever, say, complained about there being an interactible near Castle Ironfist that didn't do anything last time we approached it?

A goddamn scavenger hunt. Why doesn't Nicolai just tell the guards to get searching while we eat grapes?
I dunno, Deadeye, he might've accidentally mistaken you for someone who isn't a lazy, greedy dickhead.
I admit we're at a bit of a dearth of hints.
My mom used to tell me there was treasure hidden under the dust when she wanted me to clean my room. There was never any treasure...
Ugh, I can't think when I'm this thirsty.



You just generally can't think.
Ugh, once you've drank from a fountain that gives you thirty levels, this stuff doesn't do it. Any more fountains or wells here?



He's just going to use that excuse until someone else figures it out for him, isn't he?
That's my bet.
Weak! I need more hydration!
Oh! Oh! There's an old well behind the castle!




[pig-like slurping noises]
...so now that he's at the last well, what's he gonna do?
[further slurping]
...I think his plan may be to keep drinking until we figure it out.
[hacking, choking, gagging]
I told you the human body can't handle that much water.
Blarf, blech, no, no, I just swallowed something...



I swallowed a frog once when drinking from the well. Is it a frog?
No it appears to be, er...
If that's the Third Eye I'm going to strangle you.
How about we agree that no strangling occurs if Deadeye doesn't gloat about this.



Harsh, but I'll accept it.




...fine, no strangling for now.





So, you get the bell and then enter the library, and a fabulous transformation occurs.



And I love this. Look at Archibald's in-game image on the right, it kind of matches his non-statue appearance, but it completely doesn't match what he looks like on the painting(which is his Heroes 2 appearance), and just wait till you see him in Might and Magic 7(please no one spoil this). I can't think of any other characters who undergo so much cosmetic surgery between installments.

Alright, Archibald, we've got enough Blasters for a small army. Help us or you're toast.
Don't listen to her, what she means is: help us, and also give us money, or you're toast.



Hm, I have some respect for Archibald now, he appears to have ignored you completely and just left. I wish I could do that.
Can we save the world now?



Unless Archibald just gave us a dud scroll that'll make our brains implode when we read it, yes.
Yaaaay! Let's go to Sweet Water! Again!

[Time passes]



After a brief stop in Blackshire to stock up on rations(barely any of which I'll even need), the party treks through Paradise Valley and into Sweet Water. It's now a considerably more fun place to visit.





It's like skeet shooting except actually fun.

But the thing is. I still haven't unlocked the True Power of Blastin' yet, I only do that in a few moments thanks to this thread, because someone suggested simply holding down the fire button. I didn't even know you could do that. And once I do, well...




Hey guys I was wondering something...
Yes, Bobelix?
What does this little toggle on the side of the Blaster Rifle do? One setting is "SA" and the other is "FA."
Try flipping it and we'll see. That's how real geniuses discover things.
Okay!





It's just a fucking waterfall of Blaster fire when I've got Hour of Power(or specifically its Haste component) up and just hold down the attack buttom. Completely insane. You can see the explosions as the stream of fire tries to track a strafing devil.






And thus we reach the Kreegan Hive. One thing that's a bit off between Heroes Kreegans(i.e. the Heroes of Might and Magic "Inferno" faction) and non-Heroes Kreegans is that Heroes Kreegans are more just generically devilly, like Satan Classic while non-Heroes Kreegans lean a bit into an off-brand Giger thing with organic architecture.





...why is every surface in here sticky? I feel distinctly uncomfortable in this dungeon.
A bold new paradigm in dungeon design: rather than trying to kill intruders, simply make them feel uncomfortable until they leave.



The Hive is not an excessively complicated dungeon, I'd say it only has two combat encounters that could really put the party at risk, for different reasons, and the only tricky part is that sometimes it's unclear what a given trigger or button actually opens or unlocks.




ha ha blaster goes brrt.

Also, those weird blue squares are all over the ground and, when moused-over, simply read "PROTECTED." I started out jumping over all of them since I assumed them to be traps but they don't appear to do anything. Map doesn't even mark them as triggers. Very odd.

Anyway, those tough battles I mentioned.

The first one?




The Kreegans, not being complete idiots, have decided that rather than letting us waste 90% of their forces and THEN giving us a challenging battle, front-load the challenging battle.

They're coming out of the goddamn walls!



Remember: Long, uncontrolled bursts!



Due to the sheer volume of devils, I end up needing to retreat out of the entrance once to heal, but ultimately the devils start being reduced in number since their only trick is lots of damage. They don't break my gear, they don't instakill me, they don't take away my actions by putting anyone to sleep or paralyzing them(speaking of, I think the game only has like, ONE creature that can paralyze you, gargoyles, which in hindsight seems a bit odd considering how common, say, Insanity is), and I have plenty of beef.




Hey! I can see to the far wall now!
Are we thinning them out? Thank goodness, my trigger finger was developing a blister.




Our current goal is to open that pit in the center of the pit, so I drop down and engage the weaker, wingless devils at the bottom. While backing away from them, I then accidentally drop into one of the subsidiary pits around the edge.




Thankfully this is what we want, since each pit contains either a key or a button we need to press to open up something that allows us to progress.






No need to think, just walk, blast, press.




I also find the last artifact of the game in this chest along the corridor. Deadeye gets this one as his personality can't get any worse and he doesn't need it for spell points.





This is the only button you maybe shouldn't press, though, as it warps you back to the entrance which can be mildly annoying.






The next fifteen minutes are just me blowing holes in the walls and the residents down a variety of purplish corridors, like an early 90's Doom clone.





We must be getting close by now, they were trying to protect this part.
I hope so, this damn goop's getting in my boots.





Ooooh, bigger rooms! That must mean they're more important!




For some reason this room is split into half by the big wall on the left. You go to the right side, press a button. It opens a door in the wall, go to the other side of the wall, press a button. And then you get confused because usually the buttons open up something obvious, but in this case it opens up a door back where you've already pressed a button! Or a hole, rather. I spent like five minutes finding this stupid thing. I am a smart videogame player.




...there's a lot of noise coming from the other side of this door.
Maybe it's the reactor!
Time to kick in the door and end this!
Wait! Wait! Hold on! Do you have the scroll?
The scroll?
The Ritual of the Void, you moron! I need this planet to not get blown up!
Chill out, I've got it right here. Besides, I'm sure the Oracle was exaggerating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzgVOHL1lkI






The Reactor. Theoretically a fearsome enemy, with 1300 HP and total immunity to all non-energy sources of damage, while being able to hand out 40-120 damage per attack, it should threaten the us at least somewhat. It, uh, does not, however, thanks to the wonder of fully automatic blaster fire.



The real danger is what happens when you take it down. It happens in a split-second and may be hard to parse as a result, but it strips all your buffs, restores health and SP to full, teleports you and spawns in a bunch of enemies.




...that's a real big demon.


If you don't bring the Ritual of the Void, the game just ends with the "bad ending" as soon as you blow up the Reactor, otherwise you get to face off against the Queen as she blocks the exit. She's statted much like the Reactor, except without a huge attack and while still being at least moderately vulnerable to non-Blaster weapons. Which wouldn't be an issue... if we still had all our buffs on. She can also drain a target's spell points completely, so if she gets in a couple of lucky hits before you spend those SP's on casting buffs... it can turn into a troublesome encounter.





This is extremely bad news, in fact. Most of our offensive output is based on being Hasted, and since the devils keep doing Fire damage, without Day of Protection up, we're suddenly eating a whole lot of hurting! It sucks!

Goddammit! Richmond get those protective spells up or I'll choke you myself before the devils can kill you!
Gah! Ow! Okay!




A couple of clutch heals and then a cast of Hour of Power later, and the tide starts to turn.




These two screenshots are just for showing off the blaster fire spam, which is still entertaining to me.




Ummm, guys, I think this place is starting to blow up!
I'd start running, but her highness' fat abdomen is blocking the way out!

Note, it may be possible to squeeze past her and escape without killing her, but it sure isn't easy.




No time to lose, let's go!
Just... it makes me teary-eyed, to think about all that's lost...
You can cry about the dead later!
The dead? No, I wanted to loot her and the reactor before we went.

Sadly, neither of them drop any loot at all. Not even a single gold coin!




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFhs1thiynA

And thus ends Might and Magic 6. With a bunch of randos in platemail getting knighted by Nicolai because the heroes are busy hiding from the guards after their crimes, and Nicolai had to knight someone for doing a good job.



Where are they now?

Refusing to surrender his Blaster Rifle into the Oracle's keeping, Deadeye attempted a brief stint as a bandit warlord operating out of Castle Kriegspire. This ended poorly when Bobelix, hearing of a marauding bandit, showed up to end his villainy. After sacrificing every last one of his bandits, he locked himself in a cell and convinced Bobelix that the bandit king had, in fact, just escaped, and that Deadeye had been his prisoner.

Upon "rescuing" Deadeye, Bobelix swore a vow to avenge the injustices against his friend. Now guided by Deadeye's latest "tips" about where the bandit warlord has been spotted, they just so happen to end up raiding loot-packed dungeons across the breadth of Enroth. But they've still yet to find that bandit king.

Richmond retired to write an honest account of the party's adventures that was widely panned and derided by reviewers. After several weeks moping, he asked Agnes for advice and wrote a revised addition that featured the word "buxom" every two pages and gratuitous descriptions of sword-related violence. Despite the revised edition being a best-seller that left him wealthier than he ever wanted to be, he has refused to write any books since.

After tipping off Bobelix about a "marauding bandit king" and bribing the reviewers for both the original and revised editions of Richmond's book, Agnes had finally gotten the revenge she wanted. She currently leads the Campaign For Real Water which protests against the enchanted fountains and wells scattered around the kingdom, both detrimental and beneficial. They don't accomplish much, but they sure collect a lot of donations from concerned parents worried about their children getting high on enchanted water. For completely unrelated reasons, she's often seen in the company of the party's former bankers.

What's next?

Next... is Might and Magic 7. Once I've got the thread up, I'll be sure to link it in here as well as the general "new LP's" thread.

Thanks to everyone who commented or voted on what atrocities to subject me and the party to next.